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Hijack a Plane & Win a Council House

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM.

Today’s programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack a Plane and win a Council House! We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, the British Taxpayer. And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don’t hold a valid British passport. You only need one word of English: ASYLUM.

Prizes include all-expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 per week and a chance to earn thousands more by begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application refused, reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ASYLUM.

Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown, Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200 per night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of others of lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain.

Our most popular destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Service Area in historic Bedfordshire and the Money Trees at Croydon.

If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget, there is no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and councillors are waiting to help and it won’t cost you a penny!

So play today. It could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anit-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwawndan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas – COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don’t stop in France or Germany. Go straight to Britain, and you are guaranteed to be one of the lucky winners in The Softest Game on Earth. Roll Up, Roll Up, for the game that never ends: Asylum!

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