joke page

[apd 0]

noticed that members have varied tastes in humour.so a jo

ke page may be appropriate?here goes!

farmer says to his wife"if you had bigger tits we'd be able to get rid of the cow!"she replies"if you had a bigger nob we'd be able to get rid of the tractor driver!"

m.hucknell was arrested the other day for having sex with an under age rabbit.when they found him he was 'holding back its ears'.when they questioned him he said'bunny was too tight to mention!'

keep em clean,don't offend touch members!

[jonvr6highline 0]

Ooh I love jokes! Good idea to have this thread! 8o)

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Farewell to Postman Pat

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of

carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same

neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was

greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and

congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for

£50. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban

cigars in an 8-carat gold box. The folks at the third house

handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky... At the

fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her

lingerie... She took him by the arm and led him up the

stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most

passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had

enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed

him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage,

beans and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly

satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she

was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from

under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too

wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my

husband that today would be your last day, and that we

should do something special for you. I asked him what to

give you. He said, 'F**k him....Give him a fiver.' The

breakfast was my idea."

[ golfvr6011evensmaller.jpg ]

[jonvr6highline 0]

Subject: Beckham

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the

bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?" Posh stutters replying,

I'm -er, er .. I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".

He runs downstairs picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.

"What's the matter son?" asks Becks

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles

Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door,

sure enough the carpet-chested Welshman is stood here, starkers.

"You w*nker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a

heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring Brooklyn.

[jonvr6highline 0]

Subject: Fwd: Dentist

> A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

> "£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.

>

>

> "Och huv ye noo got onnything cheaperrrr ?", replies the Scotsman getting

> agitated.

> "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

> "What about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman

> hopefully.

>

>

> "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I

> can

> do it for £70", said the dentist.

>

>

> "Hmmmm, what about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still

> without anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.

>

>

> "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee

their

> level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose

in

> that case we can bring the price down to say £40", said the dentist.

>

>

> "Och that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session

> and have your student do the extraction and the other students watching

> and

> learning", said the Scotsman hopefully.

>

>

> "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge

you

> only £5 in that case", said the dentist.

>

>

> "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can you book the wife in

for

> next Tuesday".

>

[jonvr6highline 0]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: : Milking

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived

when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So,

he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and

everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure

than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that

he couldn't

remove the instrument off his tool . He read the manual but didn't find any

useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still

without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot

Line. Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works

fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry Sir," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will

release automatically once it's collected two litres ."

[apd 0]

englishman,irishman,scotsman are talking about their wives over a pint.

englishman;made love to my wife last night and she said-"pure ecstacy".that good she rose 1ft from the bed!

scotsman:i did the same and my wife rose 3ft from the bed!

irishman:i made love to my wife last night and when i"d done i wiped my nob on the curtains-and the wife hit the roof!

[binliner 0]

An ice cream man was found dead on the floor of his ice cream van covered in nuts and chocolate sauce...

...police think he topped himself!

[antera309 3]

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,

"You're a man, I'm a woman. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but both of us are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet, get it together and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied,

" I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued,

"And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine in the back didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks,

"Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies,

"No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

[ Edited Fri Mar 19 2004, 01:49PM ]

[vdubgirl 3]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

[binliner 0]

LMAO at that last one... this is a quality thread!

[BenW16 0]

yeah mate thats the spirit!

a man is holidaying in the holy lands with his wife+ mother in law. sadly, just hours after their arrival, the mother in law is taken seriously ill+ the next day dies. the very next day, the griving couple visit an undertakers, who explains, it will cost £5000 2ship her home, but just £500 2 bury her here. " we'll ship her home" says the man. "why" says the undertaker?.." "2000 years ago u buried a man here + 3 days later he rose from the dead, i cant take the risk..."

[DundeeDub 0]

A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow.

The horse fell into a mud hole and is started

to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to

get the farmer so that he could be pulled to

safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the

farmer was nowhere to be found. Without a moment

to spare, the chicken got into the farmer's

BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the

chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw

the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse,

and proceeded to pull the horse to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse

were playing in the meadow again. This time

around, the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken instructed the horse to get the

farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.

Replied the horse, "Here's the plan... I'll

stand over the hole..." The horse stretched

over the length of the hole and continued,

"Now, just grab for my penis and pull yourself

to saftey."

The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled

herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like

a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks

[apd 0]

Doctors say in a report today that oral and anal sex are good for you.Oral sex makes your day,and anal sex makes your whole week!

3 advantages of having a 50 pound note tattooed on your penis:you can play with your money.you can watch your money grow and your wife can blow as much as she wants!

[patrick green 0]

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to (as any good Stoke lad would!).

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.

Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

!amazed !dodge

[antera309 3]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they

are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames".

[Eat this 2]

this is a crackin thread theyr all funny