VR6oc.com - Worst Joke of the Year Competition!!!!

[thegoth 5]

bump!! Just in time for a new year.

[VR6Lee 1]

Scotland are going to win the European Cup............. LOL

[jezmoz 0]

sorry about these crap jokes

have you heard about the two flies waiting on the toilet seat?

One got pissed off.

Bill and ben the flower pot men were in the bath together. Bill farts. Ben replies "half past four"

[xyber 1]

An elderly couple go to the doctors for the results of the old womans tests

The doctor calls the old man outside and says "There has been a mix up with another patients results"

She either has Alzheimer's Disease or aids

What are you going to do says the husband

We are going to drop the old woman off on the edge of town and if she finds her way home

DONT SHAG HER!

Q. Whats Freddie Mercury and Ayrton Senna got in common?

A. They both died with blood on their helmets.

(6)

[VR6Lee 1]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables,

and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange,

disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked,

"I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[VR6Lee 1]

POLL

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% : معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

[nivag27 5]

Why do divers dive of the boat backwards.........

Coz if they dived of forwards they would fall in the boat...............I know sorry

[Ben Seabrook 4]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

---------------------------------------

Why should you not pick on a dwarf with no A levels?

Becase it's not big and its not clever

[Guy 1]

Here goes.....

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for 10 double whiskies. the bar man looks at him and says now what could be so bad you want those for, well , says the man . my youngest son has just announced that he is gay. he drinks the whiskies and leaves.

Next day , same man, same bar, same barman, 15 double whiskies he says, so what is it be today the bar keep replies. well now my other son has declared he's a shirt lifter too, downs the whiskies and leaves.

Next day, same man , same bar, same barman, Give me 20 double whiskies right this second please... the bar man looks at the man a second and says does anyone in your house like pussy mate

YES THE WIFE.

[lee060 3]

ok , i'll add a crap joke , which im good at ...

"whats the difference between women and computers?"

"one does'nt accept floppys...."

how bad between 0 and -10

[VR6Lee 1]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It! :-p

[Ben Seabrook 4]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks

are too high."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That

sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

[jezmoz 0]

Two gays are walking along a path in a park on a dark winters night when they stumble on a tramp who is out cold on a bench after drinking loads of special brew. The gays decide to take advantage of the tramp and spit roast him rigorously whilst the tramp is dead to the world, Feeling guilty they leave him twenty pounds to compensate him. Next morning the tramp awakes to find the crisp twenty and thinks he's won the lottery. He runs to the nearest off license and says " A bottle of your finest champagne please". He walks off and downs the champers and has a few swigs of meths for good measure and passes out again. That night another two gays walk past him and notice he's unconcious and decide to take it in turns to bum him violently. They leave laughing and throw thirty quid on his abused body.

The next day th etramp awakes and discover the thirty pounds and runs to the offy in excitement. The shop assistant says " a bottle of our finest champagne sir?" The tramps says " nahh i'll just take a crate of gold label that posh stuff makes my arse sore"

bum bum

[bobda 0]

What's got four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

[VR6Lee 1]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

[VR6Lee 1]

Driving to the office this morning on the M11 motorway,

I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing

90 mph per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her

eyeliner!!!!

Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I

looked back she was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into

my lane!!

It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke....) that I

dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other

hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my

knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,which

fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG

JIM ANDTHE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the

cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and

DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Women Drivers!!!!!!!

[Guy 1]

Fat bird in a barsays "If you an guess my weight you can screw me" Bloke says 'bout 93 stone you fat ugly munter'. She replies' oooh thats close enough you lucky barsteward'

[Guy 1]

Dawn Fench was arrested yesterday for possesion of drugs.

While wearing a short skirt she bent over to tie her shoelace and reavealed 75 kilo's of crack.

[BADOIR 2]

Abloke just offered me 8 legs of vennison for £120 is that TWO DEER??

[BADOIR 2]

A fella walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead, Barman says out you cant bring that in here, bloke says this is no ordinary croc. This croc gives the best blow job in the land. if i show you can he stay?Barman agrees so bloke drops his trousers puts knob in crocs mouth then pulls out a piece of wood and smacks croc on head, at which point croc takes a big slobbrey intake of breath, Fantastic says barman, bloke then says anyone else want a go?? up jumps a little old lady and shouts ill have a go love,..... But dont hit me as hard as you hit that f***in croc......

[VR6Lee 1]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce

the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the

pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about

to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy

bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had

hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he

accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little

pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that

mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely

day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[clarkie 1]

abit long winded but stil very good

[cadguy77 0]

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his

cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see the cows, are motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything

like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

[cringe +o( ]

[BADOIR 2]

OOOOHH THAT HAS GOT TO BE A CONTENDER!!