Petesvw 0 Posted April 12, 2006 Report Share Posted April 12, 2006 Ok for han and madge to battle it out.... But feel free to post ; )What does a snooker ball do when it stops rolling?Looks round.I blame me grandad for that one! But ill take the credit : ) lol Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 12, 2006 Report Share Posted April 12, 2006 Apologies in advance if there's any scousers here!A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!" Link to post Share on other sites
Petesvw 0 Posted April 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2006 LMAO, herd that before, still chuckled tho : ) Link to post Share on other sites
MrsC 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 Ok, so here's my first attempt A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her "Do you want a screw for that hinge?" She looked back at him and said "No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window." Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyoneinside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the griefthey have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before theyenter Paradise.They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I wantto be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The secondone in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap ofhis fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when Godis halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When thereare only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his a*soff.Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again" Link to post Share on other sites
goonersteve 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 lol Nice one Dev! Link to post Share on other sites
goonersteve 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 I expect nearly everyone will have heard this one, but i think it's hilarious no matter how many times i hear it!....but it is bad.What's pink and hard?A pig with a flick-knife !lol Link to post Share on other sites
MrsC 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 Lol...... Link to post Share on other sites
MrsC 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 Ok.... here's my 2nd attempt:A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!""Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."___________________________________________________________Two blondes went to a costume party, both dressed as Betty Boop. When they saw each other, they were very angry, because they couldn't stand the thought that someone else was wearing the same costume. They started feuding, and one of them grabbed the other's name tag and changed it so that it read "Betty Bop." The second immediately did the same, so they were both wearing the wrong name tag and were angrier than ever.Suddenly there was an unearthly moan, and a ghost appeared to them, also dressed as Betty Boop. It intoned, "Beware, mortals! I was once such as you, but through my pettiness and wrath I came to this! Beware, lest ye too suffer my grim fate! Beware!" But the two blondes ignored the apparition and kept feuding.Things continued along those lines until the scat-singing contest. When it was the first blonde's turn, she did spectacularly, so much so that the audience demanded an encore. This made the second blonde so angry that she snapped, snuck up onto the bandstand, and slipped a bomb into the bass drum. But she greviously overestimated the length of the song, and it ended before she could get away. The drummer hit the bass drum, the bomb went off, and both the blondes and several innocent bystanders were killed.And the moral of the story is: Bop, Bop, Boo-Bop: She Bopped; Bam, Boom!___________________________________________________________A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents." Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There is a clock on the oven.Sorry ladies Link to post Share on other sites
Petesvw 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 LOL, some of thease are too good! Link to post Share on other sites
Flog 1 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 What do vegetarian worms eat?Linda McCartney! Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close todeath. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,when all of a sudden..."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet"."Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, andthere, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you canimagine!!"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree"."Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget"."Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees nomeerage, ees a bacon tree".And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opensup, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally woundedbut, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath."Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree""Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?""Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....its a ham-bushTruly poor! Link to post Share on other sites
Maz 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 Oh Devildub.... am speechless lol That is a Quality shite joke, well done my man lolThis one I think deserves a thread of it's own, as Han and Vix will agree, but I'll post it here because I have respect for you chaps:After god had made the earth and filled it with animals of different sorts, he decided to make humans. Thinking about it logically, he decided to make a woman first. Unfortunately although the woman was perfect to god, she wasn't happy.Noticing this, god asked her why she was unhappy.she replied that it was because of the third breast, it was very uncomfortable and kept getting in the way.so god removed the offending breast and eve was happy. for a while at least. Seeing she was unhappy again, god asked how he could make her happy. She said that although she was pleased that everything else had a mate, she was lonely because she didn't. God thought about it for a while. He then snapped his fingers and told eve he would make a man. 'Now where did I put that useless tit' . . . . . . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."She says "I'll take the red one."The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." Link to post Share on other sites
Petesvw 0 Posted April 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2006 LMAO, honestly, some of thease r too good! Or is it just my bad taste!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? Big Mac and fries pleaseI don't scousers honest, it's just luck of the draw with my back catalogue of jokes! Link to post Share on other sites
nd 0 Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 A guy go's to the doctors and says.....Doctor i'm full of windThe doctor replies i've got just the thing for youA kite Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 14, 2006 Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Latest news, London police station toilet has been stolen...........................................................................................................................................................................The police have nothing to go on. Link to post Share on other sites
Petesvw 0 Posted April 14, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2006 Now that is a bad joke damien!!!LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 15, 2006 Report Share Posted April 15, 2006 I win I WIN!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
goonersteve 0 Posted April 16, 2006 Report Share Posted April 16, 2006 There was once a farmer who was mad keen on tractors. However, one day he suddenly changed and started hating them instead.Why?...........because he had become and extractor fan! Link to post Share on other sites
Petesvw 0 Posted April 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2006 Aww man, now that deserves to be here, you could well be in the top three with that sunshine! LOL ; ) Link to post Share on other sites
Devildub_06 0 Posted April 16, 2006 Report Share Posted April 16, 2006 Ever hear the onr about the magic tractor?It turned into a field Link to post Share on other sites
Maz 0 Posted April 16, 2006 Report Share Posted April 16, 2006 Somebody stop them! This is all your fault Pete lol Link to post Share on other sites
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