As an ongoing improvement to the very successful NHS Direct phone service, there is now a similar service for mental health. Dial 0800 WIBBLE to access, then choose from one of the following options. 'If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 1; If you are obsessive compulsive press 2 repeatedly If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6, If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want. Please hold while we trace your call; If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship; If you are schizophrenic please listen carefully